Moving Seems Imminent

On Thursday Tene is getting on a plane and flying to San Francisco. On Friday he's going to have a day-long in-person interview with New Company - to see if he meshes with the team he would be working with there. We're both feeling really good about this, and I would be surprised if he didn't get the job. I'm getting more and more excited - I'm ready to actually move, since so far we've just been waiting to move.

I've learned that I really hate waiting.

Once we find out if he'll get the job or not, I think we'll take some vacation days and go look at apartments in Palo Alto. There are 6 or 7 that I'm interested in looking at, but there might be others we notice while we're there that we like as well. So, time will tell. I hope we find somewhere nice that isn't too vastly expensive.

In other news this weekend (Saturday) I get to pick up my three new family members: Anise, Absinthe, and Amaranth. I was hoping to be getting 4 little rattie girls, but due to a misunderstanding between myself and the breeder I missed out on Moe. So instead I've asked to be put on the waiting list at CandiRats Rattery in San Francisco. I'm also considering a couple of other waiting lists, but I haven't decided for certain yet.

In light of my ratties coming home shortly, I've started finishing the cage that I started ages ago. Since I didn't do so well with the plexiglass earlier, I've decided to have the tray pieces custom cut professionally by the local Delvie's Plastics. After a week of back-and-forth email-tag with their sales department, I got the estimate: $65 which includes shipping. I've let them know that I don't need shipping (I chose a local place for a reason, after all), so I'll probably only have to worry about paying 50$.

Other things I hope to do with the cage are get a lot of toys for them, and make their cage as comfortable as possible for them. I want them to be challenged and enjoy their lives with me. So, tomorrow Tene said that he would take me to go get that stuff. Another thing I'm working on is getting permission from the Apartment People to allow the girls to live in my apartment with me as therapeutic pets. I believe my psychiatrist will back me up on this, so this shouldn't be too much of a problem - more time consuming than anything.

My birthday is coming up soon, and (aside from an XBox 360, a PS3, a Wii, and maybe a new computer) all I really care to have is a sewing machine. I've become interested in sewing, lately, and I'm hoping to learn how to sew my own clothes (and other assorted things). So I'm planning on just getting the money from my dad and stepmom. Tomorrow I'm going sewing machine scouting to try to figure out if there's something nice I would like to buy (something cheap, that will work well for basic clothing making, and that'll be a little portable/sturdy).

Other things I'm thinking of in the near and far future:

• I hope to start to nearly completely change my wardrobe. My ideal wardrobe will consist mainly of sundresses, but will also have skirts and tops. Also, tons of socks from Sock Dreams.
• I hope to get my hair cut shorter, and possibly do something "emo" to it. Coloring would be nice - I'm thinking either red, pink, or maybe blue (or a mixture of both), and possibly some blonde hair. I'm hoping to keep my hair in a manageable state of straightness more often than not. The sort of styles I'm thinking of are like these:
Obviously I like colors, and I would really like to do something different with my hair. It's rather boring as it is right now.
• I reallyreallyreally hope to get Kyoot! updating again. I've been drawing a bit more, and my style is starting to improve again - but it's definitely not where I want it - and I'm working on 3 or 4 comic pages simultaneously. I suspect I'll post the first new one soon after Tene and I move.
• I want to start becoming the person I see myself being in a few years. Basically a housewife - I want to make our apartment a home for Tene and I. I want us to be happy and comfortable. I want dinner on the table every night when Tene gets home from work. I want to start exercising every day. I want to cook most of our meals. Basically, I want to be the best person I can be. I want to make Tene, and myself, happy.

In other news, I went to the doctor today for a painful bruise, which ends up being nothing to concern myself with. I also had a couple of my bruises checked - they look good, but she suggested that I go see a dermatologist eventually. I also also had some blood drawn to make sure that I don't have either a failing thyroid or mono. I'm still tired most of the time, and I'm unsure why.

Well, that's it for now!

Anxiety, Part 2

Part One: Earthquakes

After I got over my earthquake fear (which, I didn't mention before, led me to asking my seventh grade History teacher to let me leave the class and go to the library to study, or something like that, if we were going to continue discussing earthquakes in general - and the Big One in particular) I didn't really have any new "thing" to be anxious over (that I can remember). Perhaps the social anxiety of having few friends in middle school (my original clique had kicked me out sometime halfway through seventh grade) and being a veritable loner was enough to keep my stress levels busy.

Then I got into High School. My Sophomore Year I started Drivers Ed, which I was not looking forward to. Oh heaven's, was Driver's Ed not my favorite class.

When I was little - four or five - I was almost hit by a car in a parking lot. This memory has stuck with me through the years, simply because it was so frightening. Naturally, this was the first - and only - thing in my head when I got behind the wheel of a car for the first time.

I'm going to kill someone with this thing.

I could think of nothing else. My first time driving on real roads I got yelled at a lot by my instructor.

I'm still amazed I passed my driver's test, nervous as I was.

Another academic anxiety I had was related to maths and science, which Tene can likely attest to. I had a hard time understanding what I realized were basic concepts in the maths and sciences, and I was so anxious to prove to myself - and in a somewhat larger degree, to my parents - that I wasn't stupid, that I would often start crying while doing my maths homework. I don't recall if I had similar emotional reactions to my science homework, but if it involved mathematics I wouldn't be surprised. My stepfather and mother would make fun of me for this constant emotional outburst - which didn't help my self esteem or my anxiety about the issue much.

I would also have trouble sleeping before a test in nearly every subject.

Anxiety, Part 1

Nothing much is happening in my life currently. Tene has had 3 interviews with the New Company, and we'll find out next week if they want to fly him out to California to interview him in-person. It looks hopeful.

I've been looking at apartments, but have yet to act on any of them. I hope to begin my emailing campaign sometime today. Otherwise I've been working on cleaning up the apartment to try to get it available for someone else to move in to. Speaking of which: Does anyone want to move into our apartment for 2 months?

I've also switched medication again. I'm now on Cymbalta, which is not an SSRI, but something else (I'm unsure exactly what it is, but I know it helps with the reuptake of dopamine rather than serotonin, so maybe it will help me?). I've been taking it for two days, and it reaches saturation around day 3 or 4. Celexa takes about a week to fully leave the system. So, I guess I'll find out the effects of Cymbalta in ... five days? Here's hoping it works.

Otherwise, my life is quite boring.

I wanted to talk about my anxiety - it's been a little worse lately, and I've wanted to write about what I go through, in the hopes that my friends and family who read this may understand a bit better what I go through when my anxiety gets bad.

I'm going to be writing this in parts, otherwise it will end up being one single huge post.

First off: I've always had problems with anxiety. Looking back, it was obvious that I had problems. At the time, I figured the fears/worries/etc that I had were normal, and if not normal - at least they weren't too far from the norm. Now I know that my reactions to a lot of things was very very very odd. I sometimes wonder why my Mother never did anything about my anxiety - I don't believe my Dad knew about what I was going through.

The earliest memory I have of disabling anxiety started when I was in or just about to start sixth grade - shortly after August 11, 1999, the day a tornado hit downtown Salt Lake City. My entire life up to that point I had been told and reassured and reminded that: "A tornado couldn't happen here, the mountains and tall buildings would prevent it" and that Utah didn't have many tornados anyway, and they occurred in the desert, salt flats, and more open areas. After the tornado I began having trouble sleeping at night. I became worried that some horrible disaster would occur while I slept (tornado, earthquake, fire, etc) and I would lose my family. I became hyper-aware of any Bad Thing that could possibly ever happen.

Soon my anxiety shifted to solely concern earthquakes.

The Salt Lake Valley sits right next to a fault line (I can't even read that article without anxiety, obviously this is still a problem), which has tendrils that go underneath most of the valley. I believe my Junior High School was  (is) situated on one of these faults. There hasn't been a large quake in a good long while. I believe that we're supposed to have a large quake every ... I think 5000 years, but I could be wrong. Anyway, we're supposedly overdue for The Big One any year now.

This was driven into my head all through Grade School, and some more in Middle School. It never scared me, until the tornado. Suddenly the abstract idea of an earthquake happening became real. And everything I was being taught in class became terrifying.

I had a hard time getting to sleep. Any movement - even slight - of my bed was enough to make my heartrate raise and get my adrenaline going. I became more and more tired as I got less and less sleep. I didn't talk to anyone about this. Even the counselor I saw later that year.

The nightly fear and anxiety continued until February 2001, when a decently large earthquake hit Seattle, Washington, and only one person was killed in it. However, I still have nights where I have trouble falling asleep due to anxiety or fear about Something Bad Happening.

Almost a year and a half of having trouble sleeping, and the only help I ever got for it was a poem my stepdad would tell me - almost every night.

If there's a worry under the sun
There is a remedy or there's none
If there be one, hurry and find it
If there be none, nevermind it

But I couldn't just forget my worries, or ignore them, no matter how much I tried.

What should have been a serious warning sign that something wasn't quite right with my brain was ignored, brushed aside with poems and blessings. Looking back, I honestly feel like I was being ignored, and that I wasn't being taken seriously.

Part Two: Cars and Tests

Ratties? ... Ratties!

Okay, so it is possible that in the next month I may be getting some new rats. Here's what's going on ...

I sent a message to the owner of Frannie's Rattery (now the only Utah rattery I know of, as Adelaide's seems to have vanished) informing her that I am very interested in getting some rats to add to my family. Three to four of them, to be exact. I gave her my specifics, let her know I would not be breeding them (such a thing is difficult to do when you're going to be spaying them), and let her know that I would like them by the end of March (when it looks like Tene and I will most likely be moving).

She replied almost instantly:

Hi michelle, I have a new litter that I can put you on the waiting list you will beable to pick out the ones u want after me (I'm only keeping 1) I also have a 4 week old blac capped girl from my last litter I can save her for you to go with the others if you like ... Just let me know what you would like to do :)
Thank you,
Frannie's Rattery

I  quickly replied that I was interested, and should know for certain if I can take them this weekend (as my apartment currently does not allow pets I'm going to need to find a temporary home for them until Tene and I move - I should have that all figured out by Sunday).

I'm now on the waiting list for three girls from the new litter, and I'm most likely going to take the black-capped girl. She's just so cute!

I'm so excited :) Hooray!

I hope this all works out ...

Valentine's Meal for My Valentine

Today was a whirlwind adventure of cooking and baking for me.

I've been planning to do something nice for Tene (due to it being Valentine's Day) for a week now. You'd think, having plenty of time to prepare, that I would have everything in the kitchen, just ready and waiting. But I didn't. We lacked a few things called for in the recipes I chose (lemon juice, paprika, chicken bullion, strawberries, and chocolate chips). So in the early afternoon Tene and I went shopping to get the missing ingredients - and a few other things (I was baking a cake, and needed two round cakepans - 9", and they barely fit in the oven together. Have I mentioned my oven/stove is tiny? Because it is). Then we came home, and the cooking began.

For our one meal of the day (bruchinner? We don't eat much around these parts) I made Chicken Piccata, which was very tasty, used too much butter. Like way too much butter. Maybe because I only made one breast (cut in half) instead of four? But still ... It was swimming in the butter. It was tasty though, and the chicken was nice and tender. I also made, as a sort of warm salad, some Garlic Bok Choy (I left out the ginger [which neither Tene nor I are huge fans of], oyster sauce [again: we're not really fans], and the red pepper flakes. and I put in an extra tablespoon of the soy sauce to make up for the missing oyster sauce. I also wasn't precise in measuring the brown sugar), which was also quite good. I found I prefer the taste of the leafy bits of the bok choy, which is good to know for future reference. I added a few strawberries as garnish and there it was! A healthy, delicious meal!

Tene didn't like how oily the chicken was, so I also heated up some leftover rice and mixed in some garlic power and salt, it worked well.

Then came desert. I had two deserts planned - one Tene knew about (a chocolate cake) and one he didn't (chocolate covered strawberries). The strawberries came from a conversation earlier in the week, when I asked Tene what he would enjoy as a desert. He didn't know, and said that what he likes from deserts is a mixture of sweetness and tartness - which I knew, but it was nice to be reminded. I thought about it for a while and it dawned on me - chocolate covered strawberries are absolutely perfect for those requirements. And so I decided to make them.

First was the cake. I've never really made a cake before, let alone a two-tiered one, but this one was pretty easy. Everything was just mixed together in one bowl - the dry ingredients first, then the wet ingredients, and then some boiling hot water. It made a relatively thin batter, which was easy to just pour into my new, well greased, cake pans. Then into the oven it went.

Then I went on to make the frosting. I didn't want to use buttercream (the only other frosting I've ever made), so I decided to try out a chocolate ganache. I found one that was really easy - two cups of heavy cream, warmed, and 16 oz of baker's chocolate. I used some really-dark-chocolate-chips, because there was no baker's chocolate left at the grocery store we went to. Brought the heavy cream to almost boiling, poured it over the chocolate chips, waiting for a few minutes (I covered the bowl the mixture was in to help trap some of the heat) and then stir until mixed! Then I just had to wait for the cakes to be done and the ganache to cool to a spreadable consistency.

So I worked on my strawberries! Really easy - I melted a decent amount of chocolate chips on the stove over a very low heat, Tene stirred it all the while. I added some milk (ended up being too much, but at least I know for next time) to make it a little smoother. Then I dipped the strawberries and set them out to harden on a cookie sheet.

Time passed, I took out the cakes to cool, flipped their pans over and had them slide out perfectly. More time passed, Tene and I ate the strawberries (I didn't get a picture of them). More time passed and I finally got around to frosting the cake.

I wasn't sure what to expect, but the ganache spread very smoothly. I wish I had leveled the sides of the cakes, but now I know what to do next time. Once the cake was nice and covered in a decent layer of frosting I decided to decorate. At first I considered sprinkles, since Tene and I got a little bottle of them at the store. But then I remembered my strawberries, and so I put 8 strawberries all around the edge of the cake.

Finally I cut two slices - one for me and one for Tene - and brought them up to him so we could eat them together.

It was delicious. The cake was rich and moist and chocolaty - but not overly sweet, and the frosting was a very appetizing bittersweet. I was only able to eat half of my slice (the other half is in the fridge, I will finish it off tomorrow).

All in all, I'm quite pleased with my Valentine's day meal. I hope to do more cooking, and baking, in the near future.