Becoming a Queen

I had my last NLP session on Wednesday, and ... it was pretty intense. I've had some hard sessions through my series, but this one was just ... wow. I'm not going to go very much into what happened, since it's pretty personal and all, but I feel like a lot is going to change as a result of this session. I'm really happy about it. This combined with the Ambien that's really been helping me sleep better .... I feel like a real person.

I've realized that I need to practice being the sort of person I want to be. Less "Fake it 'til you make it" and more just taking time out to consciously act the way that I eventually want to be all the time. I've been trying, every day, to take ten or so minutes every day to actively practice being the person I want to be. I think it's helped me.

Which is what the symbol over on the side (which I generally call a "Crowned Pawn" or a "Queened Pawn") represents. I've never been much of a chess player - in fact I think I barely learned most of the rules a couple months ago. I'm not really much at strategy games in general, honestly. But I know that the pawn pieces can only move forward, and when a pawn gets to the other end without being taken out by another piece it can become any other piece. A pawn, the simplest piece on the board, can become a queen, the most powerful piece in the game.

I've kind of taken this as a philosophy for my own life. I don't really have other pieces opposing me that can take me out - I know I can surpass most, if not all, the challenges life throws at me. All I, as a pawn, need to concentrate on is moving forward, one square at a time. And eventually I will be the person I want to be - a Queen.

I've been considering getting the Queened Pawn tattooed on the inside of my wrist as a reminder of all of this. I don't know if I will or not - to be honest I cringe and flinch away when I even hear a tattoo gun on TV or in movies or whatever. So, I don't know how I would be able to sit still through an hour (or more) of the pain and that buzzing sound.

In other news: I have to go to a physical therapist for my ankle, knee, and shoulder. I went to the doctor and the problem seems to be a musculature one somehow. Hopefully a PT will be able to help.

Plans and Happenings

First off: I finally have official plans for visiting Salt Lake! I'll be going out there in April - from April 5 to April 13. I hope I can see some of my friends and family while I'm out.

Lately most of what has been going on has been boring homemaking stuff. I'm working on cleaning the apartment thoroughly, today was day one and I'm about half done with a proper, full cleaning of the kitchen (it looks so nice already!).

I'm so happy I finally have the energy to do these things - and I'm glad to see that my motivational issue that I had are mostly gone (this is thanks to being put on Ambien (for the sleep) and going to NLP (for the motivation and depression). I still have a hard time starting on tasks, but once I do I can be pretty productive. I'm still sleeping a lot of the time, but that's improving and I'm sleeping less, and then I have energy when I am awake.

Yesterday I went to Stitches with a friend. I'm not much of a yarn person overall - or at least, I didn't think I was. Before yesterday all I had really experienced was Joann-quality yarn. I didn't realize it could be so soft and fluffy!

I like to crochet (especially plushies) but I can't knit. The friend I went with spins and has offered to teach me (both spinning and knitting), and I keep telling her that I've just got a lot of other stuff on my plate.

Well, looks like I'm going to learn to spin!

So, what happened was while she was buying some yarn the woman running the table asked us both to enter a giveaway for some unspun fleece - altogether about a pound. I filled out the entry on a whim from that - not really expecting much. And I won! I was so surprised! So now I have this fleece in some beautiful colors - but not much to do with it. So I get to learn to spin so I can make it into yarn!

Not Much Is Happening

So, not much is happening around our nest these days.

I've been under the weather, again, same stuff as usual. I'm nearly always tired, or have such low energy that I don't feel capable of doing much. We're still not certain where the fatigue is coming from. I also frequently feel nauseated, or simply not hungry, so I've been eating a lot less. I'm having a lot of trouble with my depression as a result - it feels almost completely connected to having such low energy.

I'm trying to sleep with my C-PAP again, and in April I go in for another sleep study (my last one, in November, confirmed that I have slight sleep apnea - which may be causing the fatigue, but I won't know for certain for a couple of months. Potentially not until June or July, due to the nature of the tests that need to be run). In the meantime I'm trying to do my best to get things done, working when I have energy and taking it easy when I don't. I'm sleeping a lot lately, nearly twelve hours on a good day.

I'm worried, but I at least know that what is going on doesn't seem to be anything serious - my kidney and liver functions are fine, according to blood testing, as are my hormones.

One "good" thing that has come from being so sick is that I've rediscovered my love of reading -  I love books. I have a library account with two local libraries (one here in Sunnyvale, the other in Mountain View), and recently figured out how to use the interlibrary system that connects me to libraries all throughout California and Nevada. I'm really excited and have been adding tons of books to my Goodreads list. I've also taken notice that the more I read, the more I want to write, which is a pleasant improvement.

Tene has been seeing a naturopath, and it seems to have helped him a decent amount so far - he has more energy now, which I am happy to see.

Reporting on The Rats - Absinthe has completely recovered from her tumor surgery and is doing great. Ai has an upper respiratory infection that's been pretty aggressive. We're into the third week of antibiotics, and the improvement has been ... patchy. I plan on calling the vet about it soon. It may be that she's just old, and her immune system is kind of shot - they did just celebrate their second birthday yesterday. Otherwise they're all doing great, and seem happy and healthy. We've moved the cage down to the living room (it was previously in the spare bedroom), and they've been getting a lot more attention as a result. I think it's been good - for both them and me.

Our lease is up in March, but we're thinking of signing on for another year here. Thinking about moving has been stressful for us both, and we're trying to figure out our options. As it currently stands we have a spare bedroom - it was going to be a workroom for me, but I never actually use it, so it's mostly empty. We're considering having someone move in, or (if the two or three people we know of decide to follow other plans) we might move to a smaller apartment within this complex.

I've been planning on visiting back home for a while, but have been busy with doctor and therapy appointments. It seems like I have something new going on every week. I should probably be visiting for a week in April - for those who want to know. The second week. Tene will not be coming with me. I'm still working/figuring out details, but I don't see any problems with this plan, currently.

Welcome 2012

Well, I've not been posting near as often as I would like.

Absinthe had a mammary tumor that we removed and is recovering nicely. She should be ready to go back into the main cage tomorrow. Ai has some sort of respiratory infection, and I'm going to be taking her to see the vet soon to see if anything can be done. The other two are happy and seem to be well.

Things have been pretty quiet around the nest lately, there really isn't much to talk about. We're thinking of moving into a smaller apartment - to save money and because we don't actually use the extra bedroom we have. It was intended to be a workspace for me, but I've never actually gotten around to using it as such. So instead it's been mostly empty and a storage area.

I'm looking forward to the new year and have made some new goals, but I'm going to talk about them over on Happy Raven.

Happy New Year!

PCOS and Me

Here's a story of some medical stuff that's been going on in my life.

Back in July, after talking to my doctor, I stopped taking my birth control at the recommendation of a friend, who wanted to see the effects on my life without it. The pill (in all its many forms) has been linked to depression in some people, and that seemed to be the case with me (although that isn't positive, while I improved briefly after I ceased taking birth control, I eventually faded back to my "normal").

After stopping the pill I had my period as usual. That was the last time I had it.

Back when I was nineteen I started on birth control because I was having infrequent and irregular periods. At the time I thought it was connected to my antidepressants - which had given me some other hormonal side effects. Looking back, it looks like it was just random coincidence/chance. The birth control helped regulate my cycle, and every month I got my period when expected (until I started on Seasonale, which was awesome).

Back to now - after not having any sign of my period at all in three months I started to get a little concerned. Not much, but I wanted to make sure I wasn't sick or something. I also needed to see the doctor about some issues with sleep, which are still unanswered, and get a flu shot. I figured I may as well do everything at once.

My doctor told me that my symptoms - the lack of a period, some darkened hair growth on my belly and thighs - seemed to align with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), and she wanted to test for it. The test she recommended was a blood check to look for androgens.

I tested positive.

Testosterone: 91 ng/dL (normal: 14-76 ng/dL)

So I went back to the doctor a few days later to talk to her about my options for treatment, if any. She gave me some basic information about PCOS, and I've learned some more about it myself since, through research online and some paperwork she gave me. I've currently opted for no treatment. I'll explain why in a bit.

PCOS is likely hereditary, or genetic. My period having issues back when I was 19 was likely not due to my medication, but due to my body producing too much testosterone. The common symptoms are mostly cosmetic: hair darkening on my face, thighs, stomach, etc.; I may experience balding; increased acne (I have experienced some of this, mostly on my head. This could also be because I'm using shampoo again or some other reason);  and weight gain around my stomach (rather than my hips - and I am experiencing this. No wonder my pants feel all awkward these days). Medically I don't have a period - I may or may not even ovulate, and becoming pregnant may be difficult or downright impossible for me, if I eventually choose to have children; I may develop cysts on my ovaries, which might hurt but are unlikely to be dangerous to me; and I might develop diabetes, so I need to be on the lookout and protect myself against that (which honestly shouldn't be too hard - I've already cut down on the amount of refined sugars and grains in my diet almost completely).

I was tested for diabetes the day I returned to the doctor for my options. The bloodwork came back very good. I plan on getting tested yearly from now on, when I do other bloodwork. What's one more vial?

I decided against treatment for any of my symptoms. For the most part they're not bad and they don't bother me. I am on a ten-day run of progesterone to (possibly) get my period to start back up, but this isn't quite a treatment - or is a "one time" treatment. There isn't really a "treatment" for the weight gain aside from the typical treatments for weight gain - I'll just have to be aware that I'm going to gain weight, and it will be around my stomach.

The main treatment option is birth control or hormonal. I currently don't want to go back onto birth control, because I'm trying to figure out some of my depression issues, and hormones aren't helpful in that. Other than that there aren't many other options. There are creams that I could use for hair darkening, but again - it doesn't actually bother me.

It's going to be a bit of an adventure, but I'm not too worried. I figured I would let everyone know, though.