First off:
On August 21st I went in to the doctor to get one of the bumps on my eyelid removed. The largest bump was on my upper left eyelid, near the bottom of it. The doctor made a small cut along the crease of my eyelid, and tunnelled down to where the bump was. Even after removing it, he admitted that he had no idea what it was - it was attached to the tarsus of that eyelid, which is apparently very odd. He sent it in to be biopsied, and my official diagnosis came back a week later. It reads:
Palisading granulomatous process with increased mucin and scattered neutrophils, favor deep granuloma annulare ...My doctor translated this doctor-speak as "They're unsure about what exactly it is, but it isn't dangerous. What they think it is - a deep granuloma annulare - is an infection, no one knows what it's caused by, but they tend to go away on their own, and don't typically need any type of medical intervention."
True to what he suspected, the other bumps have gone away. They might come back, but again - they're not dangerous.
Something of interest about this all - I got really freaked out about the surgery. I've always been a little paranoid about things near my eyes, it's part of why I wear glasses rather than contacts. I also don't ever use eyedrops, I can't flush my eyes out with water very easily, and getting standard medical check-ups to test my eyesight is hard for me to do (especially the eye-pressure test thing). So, I was freaking out about someone being near my eye with needles and scalpels. After making my worries known to my doctor, they prescribed me 2mg of Ativan to take before my surgery (I was to take one milligram of it an hour before, and then take the second if I needed it. I ended up taking both, just to be on the safe side).
When Tene and I left to go (he had to drive, thanks to the Ativan) the Ativan was definitely kicking in. I was feeling great ... and I felt better than I have in years. When I got home, Tene and our mutual friend Robin, both convinced me to write an email to myself. Here are some parts of it.
Hi. This is Ativan-Washi, emailing who, I assume, is a Sober-Washi. I ... have some things to tell you. I only hope I make sense, because the Ativan has really gone to my head.
...
Look at any of the hundreds of pictures of yourself, of us. Of us with [Tene], of us alone, of us with roommates - all of those roomates! See that girl? That happy, smiling, laughing girl who is enjoying her life? That's us. That's how we should be every ... day of our lives, not "Oh, woe, poor is me!" Snap out of it. Take those brave steps forward. Yeah, you're going to [screw] up sometimes, and yeah, it's going to hurt sometimes, but we have friends. We have family members who love us, we have friends who are like our family. We're well taken care for. Perfection is fine to aim for - if you're only idly wanting it. What is much, much more important is that you improve! That you try, and take chances. Sometimes you might run the risk of make the biggest mistake of your life, but it's a mistake, and mistakes can be fixed.
You don't need to justify your existence. No one does. I love you, but c'mon, enough of this "poor me" bs. It's getting old, and fast. Sure you're going to [mess] up. Very rarely you're going to [mess] up spectacularly. And you know what? It doesn't matter. Messing up a dinner doesn't play into the value of anyone else. Why do you use it to degrade your value. OUR value.
I love you, I do. And I love me. I love how I'm feeling right now. Completely at peace with myself and my life ...
Thank you for reading.
So, basically, I was feeling absolutely great while I was taking Ativan.
I've since talked to my doctor, and have some Clonazepam to take on days when I'm feeling worse-than-is-desirable. My Zoloft is still at 50mg (it was temporarily raised to 100mg, but I did very poorly on the higher dosage - my side effects increased by a large amount, with no real benefit to my mood), and I seem to be doing alright. It's still touch-and-go, but I'm improving, and that's the important part, right?
Talk to you all later
