Not Much Is Happening

So, not much is happening around our nest these days.

I've been under the weather, again, same stuff as usual. I'm nearly always tired, or have such low energy that I don't feel capable of doing much. We're still not certain where the fatigue is coming from. I also frequently feel nauseated, or simply not hungry, so I've been eating a lot less. I'm having a lot of trouble with my depression as a result - it feels almost completely connected to having such low energy.

I'm trying to sleep with my C-PAP again, and in April I go in for another sleep study (my last one, in November, confirmed that I have slight sleep apnea - which may be causing the fatigue, but I won't know for certain for a couple of months. Potentially not until June or July, due to the nature of the tests that need to be run). In the meantime I'm trying to do my best to get things done, working when I have energy and taking it easy when I don't. I'm sleeping a lot lately, nearly twelve hours on a good day.

I'm worried, but I at least know that what is going on doesn't seem to be anything serious - my kidney and liver functions are fine, according to blood testing, as are my hormones.

One "good" thing that has come from being so sick is that I've rediscovered my love of reading -  I love books. I have a library account with two local libraries (one here in Sunnyvale, the other in Mountain View), and recently figured out how to use the interlibrary system that connects me to libraries all throughout California and Nevada. I'm really excited and have been adding tons of books to my Goodreads list. I've also taken notice that the more I read, the more I want to write, which is a pleasant improvement.

Tene has been seeing a naturopath, and it seems to have helped him a decent amount so far - he has more energy now, which I am happy to see.

Reporting on The Rats - Absinthe has completely recovered from her tumor surgery and is doing great. Ai has an upper respiratory infection that's been pretty aggressive. We're into the third week of antibiotics, and the improvement has been ... patchy. I plan on calling the vet about it soon. It may be that she's just old, and her immune system is kind of shot - they did just celebrate their second birthday yesterday. Otherwise they're all doing great, and seem happy and healthy. We've moved the cage down to the living room (it was previously in the spare bedroom), and they've been getting a lot more attention as a result. I think it's been good - for both them and me.

Our lease is up in March, but we're thinking of signing on for another year here. Thinking about moving has been stressful for us both, and we're trying to figure out our options. As it currently stands we have a spare bedroom - it was going to be a workroom for me, but I never actually use it, so it's mostly empty. We're considering having someone move in, or (if the two or three people we know of decide to follow other plans) we might move to a smaller apartment within this complex.

I've been planning on visiting back home for a while, but have been busy with doctor and therapy appointments. It seems like I have something new going on every week. I should probably be visiting for a week in April - for those who want to know. The second week. Tene will not be coming with me. I'm still working/figuring out details, but I don't see any problems with this plan, currently.

Updates to Life, The Universe, and Everything

So, I should be updating weekly, but I keep forgetting.

First off:
On August 21st I went in to the doctor to get one of the bumps on my eyelid removed. The largest bump was on my upper left eyelid, near the bottom of it. The doctor made a small cut along the crease of my eyelid, and tunnelled down to where the bump was. Even after removing it, he admitted that he had no idea what it was - it was attached to the tarsus of that eyelid, which is apparently very odd. He sent it in to be biopsied, and my official diagnosis came back a week later. It reads:

Palisading granulomatous process with increased mucin and scattered neutrophils, favor deep granuloma annulare ...

My doctor translated this doctor-speak as "They're unsure about what exactly it is, but it isn't dangerous. What they think it is - a deep granuloma annulare - is an infection, no one knows what it's caused by, but they tend to go away on their own, and don't typically need any type of medical intervention."

True to what he suspected, the other bumps have gone away. They might come back, but again - they're not dangerous.

Something of interest about this all - I got really freaked out about the surgery. I've always been a little paranoid about things near my eyes, it's part of why I wear glasses rather than contacts. I also don't ever use eyedrops, I can't flush my eyes out with water very easily, and getting standard medical check-ups to test my eyesight is hard for me to do (especially the eye-pressure test thing). So, I was freaking out about someone being near my eye with needles and scalpels. After making my worries known to my doctor, they prescribed me 2mg of Ativan to take before my surgery (I was to take one milligram of it an hour before, and then take the second if I needed it. I ended up taking both, just to be on the safe side).

When Tene and I left to go (he had to drive, thanks to the Ativan) the Ativan was definitely kicking in. I was feeling great ... and I felt better than I have in years. When I got home, Tene and our mutual friend Robin, both convinced me to write an email to myself. Here are some parts of it.

Hi. This is Ativan-Washi, emailing who, I assume, is a Sober-Washi. I ... have some things to tell you. I only hope I make sense, because the Ativan has really gone to my head.

...

Look at any of the hundreds of pictures of yourself, of us. Of us with [Tene], of us alone, of us with roommates - all of those roomates! See that girl? That happy, smiling, laughing girl who is enjoying her life? That's us. That's how we should be every ... day of our lives, not "Oh, woe, poor is me!" Snap out of it. Take those brave steps forward. Yeah, you're going to [screw] up sometimes, and yeah, it's going to hurt sometimes, but we have friends. We have family members who love us, we have friends who are like our family. We're well taken care for. Perfection is fine to aim for - if you're only idly wanting it. What is much, much more important is that you improve! That you try, and take chances. Sometimes you might run the risk of make the biggest mistake of your life, but it's a mistake, and mistakes can be fixed.

You don't need to justify your existence. No one does. I love you, but c'mon, enough of this "poor me" bs. It's getting old, and fast. Sure you're going to [mess] up. Very rarely you're going to [mess] up spectacularly. And you know what? It doesn't matter. Messing up a dinner doesn't play into the value of anyone else. Why do you use it to degrade your value. OUR value.

I love you, I do. And I love me. I love how I'm feeling right now. Completely at peace with myself and my life ...

Thank you for reading.

So, basically, I was feeling absolutely great while I was taking Ativan.

I've since talked to my doctor, and have some Clonazepam to take on days when I'm feeling worse-than-is-desirable. My Zoloft is still at 50mg (it was temporarily raised to 100mg, but I did very poorly on the higher dosage - my side effects increased by a large amount, with no real benefit to my mood), and I seem to be doing alright. It's still touch-and-go, but I'm improving, and that's the important part, right?

Talk to you all later

Bugs

My first convention and I catch it.

Con Crud.


I feel like crap :( But I guess I shouldn't be surprised with my immune system being what it is. Time to go take some Vitamin C and sleep for the rest of the day.