Safely Confined

I have a hard time with my depression sometimes. Lately I've been doing okay overall, but there'll be days when I'm just not up to anything at all.

My meds are still not at a comfortable level. I saw my doctor yesterday, and she raised my Zoloft once more (to 75mg) but I have a suspicion that when I go back in around 6 weeks we're going to have to play the Wheel of Antidepressants again. She also mentioned that it would be good for me to possibly see a psychiatrist (to manage my medications), and would definitely be good to get me into some type of therapy program. I agree with her.

I also go my flu shot.

Last time I saw her she gave me a prescription for Klonopin, which has helped on days that I'm feeling really anxious in the mornings. Out of the 15 pills she gave me a month ago, I have 7½ left. I've been very careful when taking them, because it is very easy to built up an tolerance to Klonopin (and its sister medications Ativan and and Xanax), and the last thing I want is to have to be taking a bunch of these pills to feel stable. Only real side-effect I've noticed from the Klonopin is that it makes me a little sleepy.

Today, however, is a down day. I'm feeling depressed, very sad, mostly apathetic. I'm annoyed by the book I was reading (which until today I'd been reading voraciously, absolutely intrigued by it), I found John Stewart and Colbert only vaguely entertaining, and I'm mostly apathetic about things. I've also had a few impulses/desires to cause myself harm.

It's this last thing that I wanted to talk about. I get these impulses every now and then, and usually they mean that I'm in a bad spot mentally or emotionally and I need to be very careful. One thing I've learned to do when I start feeling this way very strongly is to get into a safe, preferably confined, area or space.

Currently that space is my bed.

When I start feeling overly depressed and thoughts of self-harm start looking like "good" options, I will tell Tene what's going on, and then I will wander over to the bed and curl up on it. Until I start feeling better or he is home I will stay there. Safe, confined to the mattress. It may sound weird, and is probably a little crazy, but it makes me feel safe. As long as I stay on that bed nothing bad can or will happen to me. Not as a result of my own actions, or as the result of anyone else's actions. I am safe.

So, I'm going to retreat to my safe area now.